When a co-worker has lost their partner, a parent, or a relationship (in the form of a divorce or breakup), it can feel difficult to find the right words to say. Sometimes you may even avoid that person for fear of saying something wrong. The good news is that you don’t have to find any profound words, because most likely, nothing you say will make them feel better. That’s also the bad news: nothing you say will likely make them feel better.
When engaging in conversation with a grieving co-worker, it helps to make listening the priority. If you have an urge to say something that starts with “At least…” or respond with “I understand” or “I know how you feel,” try to replace those with silence, and then just nod and listen. Your words may not make them feel better, but giving them a safe space for expression and a feeling of being accepted could help. Grievers may not know how to ask for help let alone what would make them feel better. Even if they have nothing to say, giving them a silent, nonjudgmental space for a moment of reflection can help them feel supported and encourage healing.
Regardless of how much time has elapsed since the loss—3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years—grief can arrive in waves. Anniversaries can be especially hard. If your co-worker is showing signs of grieving, it may be a birthday of the deceased or the anniversary of a significant loss. Never be afraid to offer a listening ear. If that role is not wanted, the person will let you know.
Once you’ve got the listening down, you can also offer some help. The phrase, “Let me know if you ever need anything” may roll off the tongue easily, but offering something more active and specific can make a greater difference. Grieving is a confusing time. Grievers may want help but not know what it looks like or how to get it. However, you can offer simple favors for them like running errands, bringing meals, arranging transportation, or picking up laundry or dry cleaning. Grieving is exhausting, and grievers may be forgetful. Helping them perform a simple task may make a bigger impact than anything you attempt to say by the lunchroom coolers. Listen, give help, and listen again.
Give it a try and feel free to leave a comment about what worked for your co-worker!
Additional resources on what not to say can be found through Our House:
by Marina Kusaba, MSW
Professional Staff, CWFL
The USC Center for Work & Family Life 